Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Inside the Walled City of My Soul


I am afraid of human touch

Lest it transforms into an addiction

I am afraid of the shackles of emotion

Lest it hampers my flight

I am afraid of friendship

Lest it exposes the satanic tendencies in me

I am afraid of empathy

Lest it enables anyone and everyone to step into my shoes

I am afraid of sympathy

Lest it compels someone to be nice to me

I am afraid of trust

Lest it makes someone vulnerable to pain

I am afraid of compassion

Lest it kills my passion for winning

I am afraid of humanity

Lest it kills the 'me' in Me

I am only afraid inside the walled city of my soul

On the outside I am fearless and confident

Lest the world shall deem me a coward.

The Forgone Road

Long time ago, I walked those roads
I met faces, met souls, met minds
I saw life in people and people in their lives
I saw friends in strangers and strangers in friends
I saw happiness in sorrows and sorrows in joy
I saw the angel in devils and the devil in angels
And those are the roads I tried to search my 'self' on
But I wasn't there, I was somewhere else
Somewhere where everything had infinite dimensions
Depths beyond the understanding of mortals
Breadth beyond the scope of knowledge acquired in just one life
Length beyond what the eyes can ever see
Thats where I was; hidden, safe and untouched by the world
Like a precious pearl in an oyster, waiting to adorn the neck of a beautiful girl
Or to bejewel someone's finger in a ring that would bond me for eternity
And the road to that place was through those roads I walked long time ago
But those sights are not for me, those roads are not for me
So no longer is there a hope to unite with my 'self'
No longer is there a hope for redemption
No longer is there a hope to adorn the neck of a beautiful woman
Or a hope to bejewel a finger and remain there for eternity.........

The longing for love

Once bitten, twice shy? Definitely not true for me
I always tend to make the same mistakes, The ones which are bound to bring me misery
These open arms are not meant to be, This foolish heart is not meant to care
No matter how much I play by the rules, This cruel world will never play me fair
Trust and faith are hollow words, They are good to talk about on a moonlit night
When two minds engage in aimless chatter,With fingers entwined in fingers of the other
But when it comes to living up to them,Those hands disappear like the morning dew does by afternoon
And these disappointments, these unfulfilled promises, These half-hearted expressions of superficial emotions,
These unsatisfied desires for genuine care have taken their toll on me,
Like my name, I have ended up like a garland of yellow roses
Paled by the agony, the anguish and the pain of waiting; Waiting for a day when I find love in the true sense of it
When love will not be what shall be demanded of me, But love is what shall unintentionally flow from my soul
When I shall not demand to be loved, But when I shall feel the love without having to give it a thought
When there wont be hollow promises and half-hearted emotions, But honest confessions and deeply felt commitment to care
Till then, I shall only dream of blooming like a blood red rose, Red with the color of love and passion
And continue living the life of a garland of yellow roses, Pale and waiting for time to fill its petals with emotions

In Brindavan

Where in a million faces he smiles
Lost in the hues of pink, red and green
Where he watches with awe-struck gaze
As in one life he lives the lives of so many
Where in saffron and water and turmeric and petals
There are scents of joy and excitement and exhilaration
Where he sings in their songs, he swings in their dance
Where the colors of love from places far away converge into him
And from those very colors he emerges, serene and divine
Where the sweet notes of the flute and the thumping drum celebrate his love
And the voices sing hyms of his innocence
Where the flowers still adorn the path
Where his lover and him walked years ago
And in the silence of the night still walk
In Brindavan where his love is still alive
Where his soul can still be experienced
Where in the smiles of a million people you can see him smile
That is where I found my 'Krishna', that is where I found the elixir of life

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I love being judged

Yes....it is true. Every day is a battle. Sometimes I fight for my independence, sometimes I fight for my right to make my own decisions, sometimes I fight for my need to be myself and most of the times I fight for being understood. This is not a complain. Its a fact. My life is a battle.

You know what I hate the most. Random people judging me. Why? Why does a random person have to judge me? Does he or she know me? Have my actions upset him or her? Have I harmed him or her in any way? No. But still, God has bestowed the great duty of being the judge upon the feeble shoulders of this person and it is his/her moral duty to judge me. You know what all you people out there who do that.......You are such a waste of space!!!!

I have had this problem all my life but I have seen the most intense form of it in MBA college. Arnimaal.....oh she has such an attitude. Arnimaal.....oh she is so proud of herself. Arnimaal.....oh she thinks she is a know it all. Arnimaal.....oh she is one bad person!!!! And I'm like...when the hell did I do something to you? And the answer is never because the people who really know me, have worked with me or have interacted with me never say these outrageous things about me. But its the perception that matters. And well, perception is surely not my best friend.
These "judges" are even worst than people who gossip. Purely because those who gossip do it for fun. These guys work out of malice. The following are some of the unique features of these so called "judges"

  1. They suffer from a distinct lack of anything that even sounds like a social life and their days are spent keeping tabs on what the other person is doing.
  2. The 'judges' work on the premise of malice and jealousy. Yes I call it jealousy because "if you cant be them, beat them" is their motto in life.
  3. These judges have an excellent communication network and can be great source of learning for companies on how to communicate effectively and efficiently.
  4. They always pick out someone who is confident, independent and of course intelligent.
  5. They hate people who live by their own rules because these poor "judges" never had the guts to do so themselves.
  6. They can be found in the elitest of crowds and also the most powerful circles. They have a wide network of operations.
  7. They tend to believe they are the preservers of culture, decency, righteousness etc.
  8. The people they pick on are always the ones they have never even spoken. These guys are psychic. They feel your vibes and figure out who you are. LOL.....this is amazing. My parents know me since 25 years and still these "judges" know me better than they do.....I love these "judges".
  9. These "judges" secretly admire the people they judge. That could be the only explanation for spending so much time and effort in spreading hateful propaganda against someone you dont even know!!!!
  10. Lastly.....these "judges" work wonders for your PR. Suddenly everyone in college knows who you are. I love being judged!!!!!

On a more serious note. This blog is an appeal to each one of you. If you are one of those people I have just described about, wipe your slate clean my friend. You're not helping anyone. Your efforts are not going to stop the person from being the way he or she is. It would be better if you got to know this person better. He or she could be the kind of friend you always wanted. Remember, we live in a free country and have always been taught to be tolerant and good to others. Accept people the way they are and if you cant accept them, ignore them. Dont go about talking things about them which may not be true. It makes you look really cheap. Even cheaper than the person you are spreading nonsense about.

If you are not one of the "judges" I appeal you to not be misled by them when they come and tell you something about anyone. Dont form opinions about someone based on what others tell you. Find out the truth for yourself. Thats what an intelligent person does. Forms his opinions based on his own experience.

Finally, if you are a victim of the "judge" clan, you have my sympathies. I know how it feels, but you know what....dont care about them. You are wonderful the way you are and you should be proud of yourself. Dont ever get disappointed by what these people say about you. Just remember how many friends you have and all that you have accomplished. The rest is actually pretty immaterial and inconsequential

The Gift


There are times when we curse the lives we live and are unhappy with the way things turn out for us. We wallow in self pity and always ask the question "why me?" And in order to have a scapegoat for all our frustrations, we turn to God and blame him for our circumstance. Don't tell me you have never been in a situation where you have done all this because we all have been there and done that. I know I have done that. Been horribly upset with the life I lived and been frustrated about how all I hoped never happened and how mean God has been with me. There's something very weird about negativity. It seems to capture your mind and then your heart and finally your soul. It makes you believe that life is unfair and that you are the most miserable person in the world. It takes over your senses and makes you lose all faith in everything around you. And this negativity is so dangerous, it sometimes even makes you forget who you really are.


Someone once told me one should always count their blessings. And I sneered at her saying if I was to count my blessings, I'd probably be more depressed than I already am because frankly speaking, I have none. It was the negativity speaking for sure. At that point of time I was going through a rough patch in life and feeling like my world has come to an end. She looked at me with a weak smile and said "Of course child, you have none. You have an amazing set of parents, a comfortable home to go to, a warm bed to sleep at night and hot food on your plate. But blessings.....you have none." I gave her a hard look of disgust. That philosophical nonsense wasnt going to make me feel better. Ok, I had great parents, so do many other people. I have a home and a warm bed and food, so do many other people. There was nothing great about all these things. A lot of people had these things. I wasnt something special.


A couple of years later, after this incident, I started working for an NGO in Mumbai. We would go into the villages and give medical aid to the villagers. That changed my opinion about a lot of things in life. Firstly, I started believing in luck. I always believed luck cannot break or make anyone; its all about how hard you work. But when I worked with children who had never known what it was to have a full stomach, I realized I had luck to thank for many things. The fact that dawned upon me that day is that in order to be in a position where one can work hard and get ahead in life, one needs luck. Being at the right place at the right time is something that cannot be anticipated. Its just sheer dumb luck. I saw the first blessing I had.


After my stint with the NGO, I moved to Delhi to complete my MBA. At college, I met a wide range of people from all kinds of backgrounds. Some from really small cities and some from fairly large ones. Most of them were at a complete loss of what to do since they had never lived away from their parents. Some weren't even able to sustain a month. I counted my second blessing. My parents had always taught me to be independent and adapt to all kind of situations. Unnecessary pampering had never been one of their traits. Thank heavens for that.


During the course of my MBA, I made friends with a lot of people in college. I must admit, I am quite popular amongst my peers, for good things as well as bad. I think what made the difference is the fact that right from my childhood, we had moved cities a lot. By the time I came to MBA college I had lived in 5 different cities and done my schooling and college from 3 different places. That gave me the advantage of exposure and the ability to be flexible. I counted my third blessing.


I also saw a lot of people being unable to grasp things. People who blindly did what they were told. People who were so mediocre, hypocritical, ignorant and highly unintelligent. The kind of people who have no sense of ambition or self realization. The kind of people who dont live but simply exist. They didnt read enough, they didnt know enough, they didnt even have the inclination to become better than what they were because they didnt even realize what the problem with them is. Their foresight, their vision, their mindsets are as narrow as the lanes of the locality where my MBA college is situated. I counted my fourth blessing. I had been lucky enough to have good teachers in my life who taught me to question. Teachers who taught me to go beyond the books. Teachers who nurtured the spirit of ambition and the desire to be extraordinary, objective, apathetic and think beyond the obvious. I had my father to thank. He taught me the importance of reading. He encouraged me to read from a very young age and I must admit most of the good traits I have picked up, I have picked up from him.


The day my perspective about life changed, I realised what the woman had once said was so true. I had so many more blessings to count that slowly everything that happened in my life looked like a blessing. I finally received the gift that nature has given each one of us, but we never realise it. The gift of positivity. The gift of a fresh perspective towards life. The gift of realisation that in every event of our lives, consequential or inconsequential, is hidden a wonderful gift.

My oldest memories

I was born in Srinagar, a city in the northernmost state in India, known for its scenic beauty and political unrest thanks to a very considerate neighbor. After I was born, I was taken back to Mumbai where my parents lived at that time. I have a few memories of back then, though they are a little blurred, here's an attempt to relive them.
My favourite hot spot was the tiny wondow that overlooked an extremely busy street. If mom had to get me to stop crying or eat portions of horrible tasting 'cerelac', that was one spot in the house where all this could be done effortlessly. I loved looking out the window and wondering why all these people were doing what they were doing. The ragged man smoking a bidi in a corner would catch my attention or a little child running behind a cycle tyre with a stick, rolloing it along would make me smile and make those weird baby noises. But the one thing that made the window most interesting was the big elephant that walked down the street every afternoon at 3. By some baby intelligence, I always seemed to know the moment when the elephant would walk past, as if there was an alarm clock in my body telling me it was time. At the same moment every day I would look at my mother with hope that she will pick me up and carry me to my little window. If the look wasnt sufficient, I would begin waving my arms and making those silly baby noises. If that too failed to communicate the message, I would start crying.
I must admit we are much more intelligent and manipulative as babies, and whoever said that children are innocent has got to be really unaware of his own intelligence as a child. The only difference between children and adults is that children manipulate for immaterialistic gains while the adults' end-goal is of a more materialistic, worldly nature.
Anyway, so I would finally get my way and mom would take me to the window to hush me. And there it would be.....walking down the road with grandeur befitting a King. He would move his head and swing his trunk as if enjoying his daily afternoon walk. Throwing a banana at it was something mom taught me. That was the first lesson in general knowledge. What is the elephant's favourite food? Bingo....Banana. Now when I think about it, I realize one more thing which most of us dont. Knowledge comes from the smallest things we encounter in life. We learn from everything that happens around us, but we just dont realise it. We feel all our learning has come from the schooling and higher education we have, but the fact is that life teaches us much more than what those books can. The problem is that we are so ignorant towards life's virtue of being a teacher that we rarely learn from our lives.
When I was a year old, we moved to Pune, another wonderful city known for its cultural richness and quality education. I have many wonderful memories of Pune where I spent almost 13 years of my life. First time I made friends, went to school, learnt how to ride a bicycle and so many other things. Once in a while, we would go and visit my parents' families in Srinagar. I immensely enjoyed those trips and was very fond of outings into the forests and mountains of Kashmir. I have blurred memories of my maternal and paternal grandparents' houses. The one most deeply etched in my memory is my maternal grandfather's beautiful house and the garden around it. There was a grand wooden staircase that I remember and the sprinklers in the garden where I would play in the water for hours together. I was particularly fond of flowers and used to compare different flowers to animals. There was this purple flower I remember which I used to call the 'dog flower' because it could be opened and closed to resemble a barking dog's mouth. If you stretched your hand out of the window, you could pluck a pear or an apple from the trees. It remains to date my most cherished oldest memory.
Sometimes when I think about all those small things I remember, I envy my parents. While I have my little elephant, ragged men and busy streets to remember, they have memories of lakes, gardens, snow, trees, mountains, valleys and much more enthralling views. They spent their entire childhood in the lap of nature's beauty while I spent mine in steel and concrete.