The "TAG"

“She shut her eyes tight as her face winced with the memories of the darkest hours of her life. And then there were flashes. Flashes of her standing there in the middle of the deserted street, looking all around for someone....anyone; anyone who could help her as he mercilessly landed blows at her face and stomach. She faintly even recalled shouting for help. But it was all in vain. Then there were flashes of another night. She was sprawled on the bed; he pinned her down with a sturdy grip around her neck and hurled abuses at her. She tried to fight back, clawing at his chest, trying to hurt him with her blunt nails, but all in vain. And then another night where he stood outside the door, banging it till all the neighbors were awake only to tell all of them that the worst day of his life was the day he married this bitch and brought her home. She recalled trying to pull him indoors and get him to sleep his anger off so they could talk about it the next day, but it was all in vain.

No one was going to help her on any of those nights. All she had to do was help herself. Take that one step which could get her out of all that pain and humiliation; once and for all. But how could she take a step like that? It would mean committing social suicide. After all we live in a society; a civilised world where marriages are not some joke and definitely not determined by a piece of stamp-paper signed by two consenting adults. It’s more than that. It’s about adjustments. It’s about sacrifice. It’s about upholding the family honour. And all these things which make marriage more than that lousy scrap of paper are after all a woman’s business. There was no way she could take that step. She was morally obliged not to take that step.”

And you know what that decision to do what is “morally” right cost her? It cost her self-esteem, her confidence and her right to live a life of dignity.....not in the eyes of the society, but the eyes of her husband, her family and most importantly, herself.

Marriage is a big step. It means a lot of things to a lot of people. To some people it’s taking things to the next level. To some people, it’s securing themselves against loneliness in old age. To some people it’s the need to share every experience and emotion of your life with someone who is obliged to witness it and will not mind doing so. To some people it’s just ticking one thing off the checklist of “things you have to do to be a respectable individual”.

But when does this step become bigger than the people who take this step or larger than the motivation behind this big step?

When do strong, independent, aggressive women suddenly become these weak, abused and victimised symbols of helplessness, desperation and self pity?

Is marriage as an institution so big and magnificent that it robs these women of their inherent nature or the right to a better life?

I’ll tell you what the truth is. The truth is that it is not the institution of marriage itself which is larger than life. It’s the attitude that we as a society have towards women who walk out of this institution which forces such women to live with this pathetic, loser-type attitude.

You know what scares the shit out of a woman contemplating leaving her violent and abusive husband.....No; it is not the fear that he will stalk her for the rest of her life. It is also not the fear that the day they get divorced he will try to murder her just for revenge. It is also not the fear of all character assassination he will attempt to do once they go their separate ways. Despite the fact that these are the things she should actually be worried about, the only thing that really scares the hell out of her, believe it or not, is the tag of being a divorcee and the stereotype that goes with it.

There are going to be millions of questions that she will have to answer even though she is not liable to. Not only to her family and friends, but also to the society at large. And don’t think that not asking her questions is going to make her feel better because at the back of her mind, she will always know that the moment you got to know she has been through an unsuccessful marriage, you’ve already stereotyped her. And what exactly is this stereotype? I don’t think I need to spell it out for anyone of you. Ask this question to your own respective conscience and I am sure you will know what the answer is.

It’s this attitude which leaves a woman no choice but to keep living the life of a doormat. A life which could be used to do better things, scale greater heights, spread more cheer, smile more often, laugh without inhibitions and live without fear, insecurity or humiliation. But thanks to the attitude of people like you and me, she lives a miserable life. And till this attitude doesn’t change, there are going to be millions of women like the one in the story above. 

It’s a pity that a woman who should be more concerned about the threat to her life has to worry about how her own family, friends, acquaintances and society at large will treat her if she tries to break all ties with the demon she is married to.

The Dying Soul

Lost somewhere in this vast space

This space between the present and the past

Is my slowly dying inner soul

Which fails to relate to the time that flows by so fast

There is this unfathomable emptiness

It lacks the air I need to breathe to survive

I have to hurt myself every now and then

And feel the pain that tells me I am still alive

If I don't keep touching my unhealed wounds

There would be no way for me to know

Whether all of the soul inside of me is finally dead

Or there's still something more to go.....

Inside the Walled City of My Soul

I am afraid of human touch

Lest it transforms into an addiction

I am afraid of the shackles of emotion

Lest it hampers my flight

I am afraid of friendship

Lest it exposes the satanic tendencies in me

I am afraid of empathy

Lest it enables anyone and everyone to step into my shoes

I am afraid of sympathy

Lest it compels someone to be nice to me

I am afraid of trust

Lest it makes someone vulnerable to pain

I am afraid of compassion

Lest it kills my passion for winning

I am afraid of humanity

Lest it kills the 'me' in Me

I am only afraid inside the walled city of my soul

On the outside I am fearless and confident

Lest the world shall deem me a coward.

The Forgone Road

Long time ago, I walked those roads
I met faces, met souls, met minds
I saw life in people and people in their lives
I saw friends in strangers and strangers in friends
I saw happiness in sorrows and sorrows in joy
I saw the angel in devils and the devil in angels
And those are the roads I tried to search my 'self' on
But I wasn't there, I was somewhere else
Somewhere where everything had infinite dimensions
Depths beyond the understanding of mortals
Breadth beyond the scope of knowledge acquired in just one life
Length beyond what the eyes can ever see
Thats where I was; hidden, safe and untouched by the world
Like a precious pearl in an oyster, waiting to adorn the neck of a beautiful girl
Or to bejewel someone's finger in a ring that would bond me for eternity
And the road to that place was through those roads I walked long time ago
But those sights are not for me, those roads are not for me
So no longer is there a hope to unite with my 'self'
No longer is there a hope for redemption
No longer is there a hope to adorn the neck of a beautiful woman
Or a hope to bejewel a finger and remain there for eternity.........

The longing for love

Once bitten, twice shy? Definitely not true for me

I always tend to make the same mistakes, The ones which are bound to bring me misery

These open arms are not meant to be, This foolish heart is not meant to care

No matter how much I play by the rules, This cruel world will never play me fair

Trust and faith are hollow words, They are good to talk about on a moonlit night

When two minds engage in aimless chatter,With fingers entwined in fingers of the other

But when it comes to living up to them,Those hands disappear like the morning dew does by afternoon

And these disappointments, these unfulfilled promises, These half-hearted expressions of superficial emotions,

These unsatisfied desires for genuine care have taken their toll on me,

Like my name, I have ended up like a garland of yellow roses

Paled by the agony, the anguish and the pain of waiting; Waiting for a day when I find love in the true sense of it

When love will not be what shall be demanded of me, But love is what shall unintentionally flow from my soul

When I shall not demand to be loved, But when I shall feel the love without having to give it a thought

When there wont be hollow promises and half-hearted emotions, But honest confessions and deeply felt commitment to care

Till then, I shall only dream of blooming like a blood red rose, Red with the color of love and passion

And continue living the life of a garland of yellow roses, Pale and waiting for time to fill its petals with emotions

In Brindavan

Where in a million faces he smiles
Lost in the hues of pink, red and green
Where he watches with awe-struck gaze
As in one life he lives the lives of so many
Where in saffron and water and turmeric and petals
There are scents of joy and excitement and exhilaration
Where he sings in their songs, he swings in their dance
Where the colors of love from places far away converge into him
And from those very colors he emerges, serene and divine
Where the sweet notes of the flute and the thumping drum celebrate his love
And the voices sing hyms of his innocence
Where the flowers still adorn the path
Where his lover and him walked years ago
And in the silence of the night still walk
In Brindavan where his love is still alive
Where his soul can still be experienced
Where in the smiles of a million people you can see him smile
That is where I found my 'Krishna', that is where I found the elixir of life

I love being judged

Yes....it is true. Every day is a battle. Sometimes I fight for my independence, sometimes I fight for my right to make my own decisions, sometimes I fight for my need to be myself and most of the times I fight for being understood. This is not a complain. Its a fact. My life is a battle.

You know what I hate the most. Random people judging me. Why? Why does a random person have to judge me? Does he or she know me? Have my actions upset him or her? Have I harmed him or her in any way? No. But still, God has bestowed the great duty of being the judge upon the feeble shoulders of this person and it is his/her moral duty to judge me. You know what all you people out there who do that.......You are such a waste of space!!!!

I have had this problem all my life but I have seen the most intense form of it in MBA college. Arnimaal.....oh she has such an attitude. Arnimaal.....oh she is so proud of herself. Arnimaal.....oh she thinks she is a know it all. Arnimaal.....oh she is one bad person!!!! And I'm like...when the hell did I do something to you? And the answer is never because the people who really know me, have worked with me or have interacted with me never say these outrageous things about me. But its the perception that matters. And well, perception is surely not my best friend.
These "judges" are even worst than people who gossip. Purely because those who gossip do it for fun. These guys work out of malice. The following are some of the unique features of these so called "judges"

1. They suffer from a distinct lack of anything that even sounds like a social life and their days are spent keeping tabs on what the other person is doing.
2. The 'judges' work on the premise of malice and jealousy. Yes I call it jealousy because "if you cant be them, beat them" is their motto in life.
3. These judges have an excellent communication network and can be great source of learning for companies on how to communicate effectively and efficiently.
4. They always pick out someone who is confident, independent and of course intelligent.
5. They hate people who live by their own rules because these poor "judges" never had the guts to do so themselves.
6. They can be found in the elitest of crowds and also the most powerful circles. They have a wide network of operations.
7. They tend to believe they are the preservers of culture, decency, righteousness etc.
8. The people they pick on are always the ones they have never even spoken. These guys are psychic. They feel your vibes and figure out who you are. LOL.....this is amazing. My parents know me since 25 years and still these "judges" know me better than they do.....I love these "judges".
9. These "judges" secretly admire the people they judge. That could be the only explanation for spending so much time and effort in spreading hateful propaganda against someone you dont even know!!!!
10. Lastly.....these "judges" work wonders for your PR. Suddenly everyone in college knows who you are. I love being judged!!!!!

On a more serious note. This blog is an appeal to each one of you. If you are one of those people I have just described about, wipe your slate clean my friend. You're not helping anyone. Your efforts are not going to stop the person from being the way he or she is. It would be better if you got to know this person better. He or she could be the kind of friend you always wanted. Remember, we live in a free country and have always been taught to be tolerant and good to others. Accept people the way they are and if you cant accept them, ignore them. Dont go about talking things about them which may not be true. It makes you look really cheap. Even cheaper than the person you are spreading nonsense about.

If you are not one of the "judges" I appeal you to not be misled by them when they come and tell you something about anyone. Dont form opinions about someone based on what others tell you. Find out the truth for yourself. Thats what an intelligent person does. Forms his opinions based on his own experience.

Finally, if you are a victim of the "judge" clan, you have my sympathies. I know how it feels, but you know what....dont care about them. You are wonderful the way you are and you should be proud of yourself. Dont ever get disappointed by what these people say about you. Just remember how many friends you have and all that you have accomplished. The rest is actually pretty immaterial and inconsequential